UVR3

The Ring

"Excuse me?" Maximus said, walking up to Lilith.

Lilith Soul Flashed Demitri back to the mat. "Yes?"

"Are you a free person?"

"Huh?"

"Are you free of exploitation, persecution, or bad feeling?"

"Well, um... maybe." Lilith was confused.

"Are you sensitive to the plight of our differently-abled companions upon this celestial body? Are those wings ozone-safe? Were you aware that you, being a junior succubus, are perpetuating an unhealthy stereotype of women who happen to enjoy... ahem... intimate intercourse?"

Lilith blinked. "I'm not sure. I don't think so..."

Maximus hit her with his hammer. "That was for all those you've enslaved!" He decked her again. "And this is for all the problems you've caused!" He lifted the hammer again. "And this--"

"And this is for annoying the hell out of me! Bye bye!" Lilith lifted Maximus between her wings and fired him over the "ropes", where he slammed into the force field surrounding the ring. Slowly, he peeled off of it and slid down through the dimensional field, falling into Mortal Kombat 4 -- specifically, the Prison. There was a short rough sound like a fork in a garbage disposal.

"Maximus hit the fan." Silverbolt's tone was dry. "Does anyone else see the--"

"Yes. It's very fitting. Do stop." Wanderer's tone was even drier, if possible.

"I don't know. I'm starting to see his point."

Wanderer turned to Birdman. "I've seen his point from the beginning. It just looks bad, is all."

"Stop worrying so much."

At that moment, Ryu was totally baked.

He barely ever breathed smog, let alone drank or smoked, so Ken's cocktail of drugs hit his bloodstream like a freight train. Almost immediately on his entrance into the ring, Ryu found himself facing a small army of fuzzy bunnies, bananas, a steaming bowl of egg drop soup, and -- perhaps most disturbingly--a giant six-armed Super-Deformed Bison, who was bouncing around like a spooked squirrel. Some of them were hostile, others weren't, and still others, like the fuzzy bunnies, were just looking at him strangely and twitching their whiskers.

Ryu raised one eyebrow. This was almost unheard of.

Ken, watching his facial expression on the monitor in the ready room, was laughing hard enough to upset his stomach.

Ryu Dragon Punched a banana out of his way -- Chun Li was knocked on her back, the Soul Gem falling out of her belt -- and dashed for the Bison clone, pausing every few steps to throw a Hadoken. Clearly, he was the greatest threat, and the greatest fight, in the ring.

"Bison" was also one of the turnbuckles.

While everyone stared at Ryu Hurricane Kicking the turnbuckle, Demitri took the opportunity to get out from under Lilith. The li'l distracted succubus--who wasn't sure what to expect from Ryu, but was comfortably certain that wasn't it -- ate an EX Demon Cradle and went sprawling. Demitri immediately staggered off after the Soul Gem, hoping to use it to heal himself.

Unfortunately, several other recently-whomped-on fighters had the same idea, the most vehement of which was Cervantes, who Rock had been happily beating the hell out of for the past few minutes. Sweeping Scorpion out of his way with Soul Edge and slashing Hsien-Ko across the chest, the pirate reached the Gem at the same time Demitri teleported next to it.

Demitri fired a Chaos Flare at him, but Cervantes neatly stepped around it and laid in a Speeding Bullet combination, whiplashing both blades across Demitri's face and chest. The Time Gem, unnoticed by anyone, fell out of a suddenly lacerated pocket in Demitri's tunic.

Demitri's eyes narrowed through the thin coating of blood running down his face, and his fangs slid out. "That is all I intend to take. You will die today, worm." His aura intensified, and Demitri glided forward, preparing to feast on Cervantes's blood.

Cervantes took a step back. "What the hell...? Ye're some kind of motherless demon, true enough, but ye won't be suckin' me neck today!" He slashed out with his left-hand sword, which Demitri blocked easily.

Demitri began to reply, but a third party had already entered the conversation. "What did you just say?"

Cervantes looked confused for a moment. "I was talkin' to the bloodsucker, friend, so why don't you--"

"You... said... that... word." The Silver Samurai began to shake and stutter. Demitri quietly snatched up the Soul Gem and teleported away.

"What word--" Cervantes' sentence was interrupted by the Samurai's trophy breaking over his head.

"I..." *slashslashslash* "... DO..." *slashslashslash* "... NOT..." He acquired a small army of duplicates. "... SUCK! AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"

"What you see there is a legend at work, folks," Birdman observed.

"What you see there is a high-speed flaying," Wanderer said. He was trying not to look.

Cervantes parried and blocked as best he could, and with Soul Edge in his hands, that counted for a lot. Even the minor cuts that got through his defense were hitting four and five times apiece, though, and those small wounds added up quickly. Blood loss slowed his parries, which led to more cuts, which led to slower parries, which led to Cervantes getting mudhole-stomped. The Samurai ended his beatdown, as well as his period of trailing mirages, by sticking his katana into Cervantes' sternum and flipping him out of the ring.

Cervantes fell into a public bathroom stall. When he lurched out of the toilet door, soaked to the bone and covered in blood, one of the plainclothes police officers who happened to be standing in the room yelled in surprise and fired an anti-tank shell at him, with predictable results. The Die Hard Arcade node was (and is) a bad place to startle people.

Demitri, meanwhile, materialized in a safe corner of the ring, and raised the Soul Gem above his head to use it. At the same time, a Chokyudan hit him between the eyes. The Soul Gem shot out of Demitri's hands like a cheap bullet as Sie Kensou, running after his fireball, planted a flying kick into Demitri's mouth.

The Soul Gem flew right past Chun Li, who for all her speed and agility, was having trouble avoiding Rock's axe, and bounced off the canvas next to Kazuki, who put out his hand and reflexively caught it.

"Hey!" he said, pleased. "Look here!" Absently, he slashed behind himself and put a deep wound across Cammy's stomach. She stumbled backward, giddy from blood loss. "This looks interesting... HEY, SOGETSU!" Kazuki waved the Gem in the air. "LOOK WHAT I GOT, LOSER! MAYBE IF YOU COULD'VE STAYED IN THE RING LONGER THAN FIVE MINUTES, YOU COULD'VE ASSASSINATED ME!"

Sogetsu, in the Eliminated seating, flushed red and decapitated Cy-5. The War God toppled.

Iori Yagami, trading fireballs with Ryu, noticed the flickering aura of flame around Kazuki. Slowly, he began to concentrate.

"YOU'RE THE WORST ASSASSIN I'VE EVER SEEN! AND YOU KNOW WHAT? MOM ALWAYS LIKED ME BEST! THAT'S RIGHT!"

Cammy got back up. "All right, toerag... SPIN DIVE SMASHER!"

Kazuki exploded, rematerializing right behind himself, and watched Cammy fly by, a blur of blue flame and Cockney profanity. He never stopped harassing Sogetsu. Kazuki was enjoying himself so much that he was still laughing for a second after Iori grabbed him in the Maiden Masher. That, of course, didn't last long.

"Asobi wa, owari da! SHINEI!"

The final blast of flame threw Kazuki into the dimensional field, tatters of his tunic flying behind him. In Wayne Gretzky's 3D Hockey, an otherwise unremarkable game between the Blackhawks and Maple Leaves was interrupted when Kazuki fell into center court and started melting into the ice. When Kazuki climbed out of the puddle he'd made, Chris Chelios kicked him back in. In the ring, Iori snatched up a tattered handful of red cloth from Kazuki's tunic and stuffed it into his pocket.

Cammy, meanwhile, knew what was coming. She had missed a Spin Dive Smasher. That meant she was going to get the crap beaten out of her on the way down. It was just a question of who was going to do it.

Cheerfully, Hsien-Ko volunteered her services. Cammy came down onto a sudden bed of sword blades, thrusting up out of the mat. The blades juggled her along them, bouncing her out of the ring and into Goldeneye.

James Bond looked away from the scope of his sniper rifle and eyed Cammy's legs. "Hello, there."

"Hello yourself, wanker," Cammy spat. Before Bond could use his patented charm on her, she snatched up a Kalishnikov from a nearby dead Russian guy and laid waste to everything in sight. Bond found himself standing in the smoking ruin of a Russian bunker ten minutes later, drinking a vodka martini out of a hip flask and watching Cammy chase down the last few guards.

"Charming girl," Bond mused.

The Soul Gem, back in the RumbleDome, was still rolling around like a soccer ball. King saw it go by, but was too busy defending herself against Duraal to do anything about it. Frantically, she blocked another toe kick and looked around for help. Captain America was nowhere in sight, though, and she looked at Chun Li just in time to see Rock smack her into low orbit with the flat of his axe.

Aardrus flew past her and struck the turnbuckle Ryu had been working over. Mordos Kull shook his morning star out and walked calmly after the zombie. (He'd thought it was Dregan to begin with, and now was finishing what he'd started.)

"HEY!" King yelled, inspired. "KULL!"

"Yeah?" Mordos watched King block Duraal's punch-kick-punch combination. "Weren't you the innkeeper?"

"Yes!" King said through clenched teeth. "Remember when I explained modern money to you at the party?" Mordos nodded. Duraal tried to grab King, but she rolled backward. "I have a hundred dollars for you if you get this thing off my ass."

Mordos considered this for a moment, taking into account the economy he was in. A hundred "dollars" were equal to about... hm... fifty beers. "Deal."

Then he Dragon Struck Duraal in the back of the head. The robot took off, landing on its upper back with a weird wet metallic thump and lying still. King scooped the Soul Gem up off the mat and turned to see Mordos standing in front of her with his hand out.

"What?"

"Coin on the barrelhead, lady."

King stared at him for a moment before fishing her wallet out of her back pocket. Counting five twenties out, she placed them in his hand.

Mordos stuffed them inside his breastplate. "Pleasure doing business with you."

King nodded. "Sure."

"Anything else you need?"

King started to say "no", but another idea struck her. She grinned very slowly. "Yeah. There is something."

Geese's Room, RumbleDome Hotel

"The deal is simple, Mr.--how do you pronounce it?"

"Stellarex. Just how it looks."

"Yes, of course." Geese was slightly distracted by Stellarex's refusal to submit to gravity. He floated two feet above the ground, his legs crossed, staff across his lap. There was a strangely-shaped bulge on either side of his belt. Urgo, Stellarex's gargoyle, and the werewolf Sasha crouched on either side of him, somewhere between hunting hounds and favored pets. "My deal for you is this. I and my associates require the services of a competent mage."

Stellarex wore a strange half-grin.

"In exchange for your assistance, which will include the location and divination of certain objects, as well as other possible tasks, I am prepared to offer you a sizable amount of money, as well as any expenses you may incur. How much money is dependent upon the economy of your home dimension, and we can certainly negotiate that later."

"I do not need money." Stellarex gently placed five stacked coins on the table, each the size of a coaster. They were not intricately worked, but they were nonetheless solid gold. "I have more than I need here, especially in your economy."

Geese nodded. "I can see that you do."

"What I need, Master Howard, in exchange for my services, is a favor."

"What would that be?" Geese settled back into his chair and made a steeple of his hands.

"I have done some inquiry into you and your associates, Master Howard. I know that one of your goals is obtaining an artifact of some power known as the Infinity Gauntlet." Stellarex smiled, showing straight white teeth, as Geese involuntarily blinked. "If I assist you in this affair, and we are successful, I would request that you use the abilities conferred upon you by this artifact to ensure that I am unable to return to what you call my 'home dimension'."

"And why can't you do that by yourself?"

Stellarex sounded suddenly and profoundly bitter. "Ravenloft is not the kind of place you leave under your own power, Master Howard. You die, or they let you go. There is no third option." He leaned forward. "Destroy it. Sever its connection to this dimension. Raze it to the ground, disperse the Mists when they come for me, place me in Sigil for the rest of my life, I do not care which, but promise to free me from the Mists, Master Howard, and I will follow you through the gates of Gehenna."

Geese stood up and extended one hand. "Deal."

"That simply?"

"Just like that." Stellarex would probably betray him sooner or later, but if Geese had one thing, it was assassins. The wizard would be no problem. He promised himself that as they shook hands.

"What are your plans as they stand now?" Stellarex asked.

"We have a girl in the ring who's gathering Gems for us, but two of them are already out of her hands. One of them is currently, if we're lucky, in Krauser's hands, and the other was used by her and vanished."

"I expected as much," Stellarex said. "These artifacts are slightly malicious, in that if they are used crudely, as she did--I was watching on that scrying crystal in your main hall--they will teleport somewhere else within the dimension they are currently located in."

"So the Power Gem could be anywhere."

"No, no." Stellarex put on a pair of bifocals. "This dimension ends approximately half a league in any direction from this building. This competition is quite literally the only reason this dimension exists--it is a spell I would pay dearly to have for my own. Hence, the Power Gem is somewhere within either this building or the fairgrounds outside."

"Can you find it?"

"Master Howard, it is a few minutes' work, no more. These artifacts radiate power enough to change the universe around them; they attract divination spells like moths to candle flame. Provide me with a private space to work and I shall tell you precisely where the Gem has reappeared."

"Not a problem at all." Geese poked his head out of his makeshift "office". "BILLY!"

That was when the wall to his suite crumpled like tinfoil.

Eiji Kisaragi, imprisoned in a coil of iron wire that had started life as a radiator, was deposited almost daintily in the center of the room. His captor levitated after him, his silver hair blowing in the wind kicked up by magnetic lines of force.

"Geese Howard, I presume?" Magneto asked, looking around the room.

"You got it." Geese clenched one fist. "Is there a problem?"

"I am not interested in your petty offers of alliance, Howard," He gestured at Eiji, who watched all of this with admirable restraint. "Neither do I appreciate assassination attempts."

"Are you here to be dramatic, or are you here to start a fight?" Geese rhythmically clenched and unclenched his hands. Across the room, Billy Kane slowly pulled his staff into a guard position, not quite believing what was happening. Mr. Big pulled out his escrima sticks as Jack Turner and John Crawley stepped to either side of him, fully expecting to die. Yamazaki slipped one hand into his pocket and snickered quietly to himself. Stellarex's staff snapped up into his hands. Urgo and Sasha hissed at Magneto like rabid cats, limbering up to tear him into dog meat.

"If I was here to start a fight," Magneto said quietly, "you would all already be dead."

"Maybe," Geese said. "Maybe not."

"Believe whatever helps you sleep at night." Magneto gestured contemptously, and the suite wall began repairing itself again like time-lapse photography. "I have little time for such as you, and less patience. I suggest you do not attract my attention again."

Geese simply leered at Magneto until he left, through a hole in the reconstructed wall. As the wall reconstructed itself, Billy rushed out of the room, muttering something about more alcohol.

"What have you gotten me into, Howard?" Big said quietly.

"Get used to it, Big." Geese straightened his shirt irritably. "If Magneto is the worst I face today, I'll count it as a blessing..."

Eliminated Seating

The only reason, when push came to shove, that Alex and Krauser had not been stopped by security before now was that all of the Virtua On mechs were busy. They were currently trying to convince Thanos that blowing up the dimensional retrieval offices would prove a substantial health risk.

The seating was already a wreck from Rancid's fight with Exor, and the two wrestlers' fight had just about smashed it into kindling. There were about three intact seats left on the balcony, and Bob Wilson was sprawled across all of them smoking something that smelled like sharp herbal tea. He was watching Alex and Krauser strive to plant each other into the pavement with a big vacant smile on his face. Xiao Long stood nearby, leaning against the wall dividing the Eliminated seating from the audience with the Space Gem in his hand.

Krauser was dimly aware he was losing. Alex had five or six different ways to deal with his Blitz Balls, most of which hurt, and a Leg Tomahawk or Kaiser Suplex had a fifty-fifty chance of resulting in Krauser being slammed head-first into the concrete. Alex had taken his share of punishment, but Krauser had gotten the worst of the fight by far.

Krauser decided to start cheating.

When Alex came in for another go, probing Krauser's defenses, Krauser broke most of a chair over his head. As Alex shook that off, Krauser took a step back.

"KAISER... WAVE!"

Alex lost track of a couple of seconds. When he came to, he was flat on his back at the far end of the Eliminated seating. Little bits of incinerated chair were in his hair and clothing.

"KAISER... WAVE!"

Alex saw this one coming and blocked it, warding off the wave of flame with his crossed forearms. It still hurt.

"KAISER... WAVE!"

Alex saw a trend developing as he blocked this one. If Krauser was allowed to keep this up, he was going to knock Alex out through heat exhaustion, if nothing else.

"KAISER... WAVE!"

Alex batted the wave of flame aside.

Wolfgang Krauser blinked. That wasn't, theoretically, possible. "KAISER... WAVE!"

As he walked cautiously forward, Alex did it again, reaching out and slapping the Kaiser Wave into nonexistence.

"KAISER... WAVE!"

This time, Alex swung his arm in a glowing arc, EX Flash Chopping through the Kaiser Wave. It brought him within arm's reach of Krauser.

Krauser couldn't escape.

As Alex let the unconscious man fall out of his hands, he nodded towards Xiao Long and took the Space Gem back from the monk. "Thanks."

"Perhaps you should find somewhere else to be," Xiao said politely.

"Probably will," Alex said, studying the Gem.

"That jewel is the source of much power," Xiao added. "It is also the source of much pain and death. I believe you would do well to dispose of it."

Alex put the Gem in his pocket. "We'll see. Thanks." He left the arena.

The Ring

Sie Kensou was still pummelling the hell out of Demitri, and Lilith was helping him out. Demitri hadn't touched the ground for the last five minutes; Ryurengas, Shining Blades, and the occasional esoteric use of Lilith's Dark Force kept him airborne and hurting. Kensou was actually able to charge up power between juggles.

Naturally, Scorpion decided to take advantage of this.

As Demitri came down towards Sie, Sie set up his Shinryu Tenbu Kyaku. That, unfortunately, whiffed, because Scorpion plugged a spear into the back of Demitri's head as the vampire fell. Sie wound up smacking an unsuspecting Lilith with the second and third thrust kicks of the super as his target was snatched halfway across the ring.

"GET OVER--"

"Shoryuken!"

Ryu knocked Scorpion, who he saw as Sagat in a peasant dress with pigtails (why was not important, the fight is all), out of the ring with a single EX Dragon Punch. Scorpion kept ahold of the cable attached to his spear, and the force of the Dragon Punch was enough to carry Demitri into the air along with Scorpion. Both of them, one after another, fell through the dimensional field.

Both fighters landed in an empty graveyard. Demitri wrenched the spearhead out of his chest angrily and staggered to his feet. "Little creature, you will pay for dragging me here with you."

Scorpion snorted. "How? Are you going to talk me to--"

A gunshot sounded in the still air of the cemetery, and Scorpion's left arm dropped off in a spray of blood and pulverized tissue. Scorpion looked down at it--he'd had worse--and ran away, Demitri right behind him, as two trenchcoated pistol-wielding investigators chased them all throughout the House of the Dead.

Back in the ring, Ryu landed from his Dragon Punch and looked around for any more threats. All he saw were a group of bunnies chasing a bouquet of roses, as well as the Bison clone lying unconscious on the canvas. There was a campfire in the middle of the ring, with huge, happy marshmallows playing in it, but Ryu dismissed this as irrelevant.

One of those happy little marshmallows made a compact movement with one of its hands, sending another marshmallow shrieking out of the ring, leaving a trail of smoke. The marshmellow then stepped out of the fire and looked towards Ryu. Now that Ryu got a good look at it, it was not a marshmallow at all, but the six-foot banana who he had met when he'd entered the ring. The banana wore boxing gloves, not unlike Dudley, and had a Mohawk haircut.

Heavy D! couldn't figure out why Ryu was looking at him like that. (Duraal, the other happy little marshmallow, arrived in Sega Bass Fishing right about then. It chose to shut itself down out of sheer boredom.)

Ryu examined him. "Thank you." He assumed his stance again. "I know not what style a six-foot banana uses, but I am anxious to learn."

"Buh?" D! commented. He realized that Ryu was tripping heavy right before Ryu attacked him.

A short distance away, King and Mordos Kull fought for a brief moment, talking quietly and intently, before King rolled past him, grabbed him, and kneed him in the breadbasket. A short uppercut sent Kull flying over the "ropes".

He fell gently into a snowdrift. Pulling himself out, Mordos looked around to find himself standing in a snow-covered pine forest, the smell of woodsmoke on the wind and the sound of drum-beats echoing around him. Dusting himself off, he turned a corner in the forest and ran right into an orcish war-band. Twenty trained warriors studied him intently.

There was a moment of indecision before they began trying to beat each other to death.

"What was that?" Birdman asked.

"I'd need to see an overhead map, but it could be Warcraft. Or Warcraft 2. Or Myth. Or Pool of Radiance. Or Ogre Battle. Or--"

"Thank you, Wanderer." Birdman turned his attention back to the fighting.

"No charge."

Iori was looking for the Soul Gem. He found it in the hands of Hsien-Ko, who was studying it with one hand and using the other to throw random objects at random fighters. She was humming.

"Pretty..." she mused to herself, looking at how the arena lights shined off the gem's surface. As she did, she made Chun Li's life even more difficult than it was already, by tossing a boulder at her head. Fortunately, the same axe swipe that Chun Li ducked under shattered the rock into powder.

Rock took a moment to try and figure out what the hell he'd just smashed. That was a moment too long, and Chun Li kicked him into the air. Almost delicately, she jumped up after him and rushed forward, the sky behind her turning black.

Rock left the ring and entered Dee Jay's stage, plowing into the sand like a small meteorite. Most people just ignored the half-naked unconscious guy, figuring he'd had too much to drink.

Hallway, RumbleDome Hotel

"DEEP HURTING!" *sizzle* "DEEEEEP HURRRTTTIINNNGGGG!!"

Sabertooth ignored the laser sword biting into his chest, and lunged forward, putting another slash mark into Yoshimitsu's chrome. He was pissed off to begin with, since this "Executioner" character was about as useful in a fight as a straw dog. He had some range on him, and some wicked tricks, but a 16-year-old Frenchman was currently engaged in the process of beating him into strawberry jam.

Lion sidestepped around another heavy overhead axe blow. "No, no..." He slammed another pair of dancing kicks into the Executioner's knee. "You see, you do that, you overextend yourself!" Despite his better instincts, like the one for self-preservation, he was actually kind of enjoying himself. Then again, Lion was also bleeding from a heavy axe wound across his chest, and it made him feel kind of dizzy. "What you want to do, is keep your balance centered, and then, suddenly attack, like this!" Then he swept the Executioner off his feet for the eight thousandth time.

Sabertooth's rage was a pale shadow of the Executioner's. As he climbed laboriously to his feet, Lion hit him with another couple of light one-armed uppercuts, then got blasted by the green skull the Executioner released from his axe. The force of it turned Lion into a shivering heap on the carpet.

Yoshimitsu fell victim to a Berserker Claw, and Sabertooth looked up in irritation. "What the hell are you standin' there lookin' pretty for, chump?! Go finish the brat off!"

"You couldn't knock me down, Mickey!" Yoshimitsu sang out cheerfully, popping right back up after the Berserker Claw. "You couldn't knock me down!" He punctuated this by Tornado Dropping Sabertooth through the nearby room service cart. Sabertooth didn't get up again, his healing factor trying frantically to cope with a badly fractured skull.

The Executioner turned to face Yoshimitsu, lifting his axe high. "We shall see if you can work your sorceries without your head, golem!"

All Yoshimitsu did was point. "Check your six!"

French is not a very effective language to curse in. But Lion got by. Climbing up the Executioner's back, he fell back down with his arms around the man's neck. The Executioner, now off-balance, fell with him, and cracked into the floor head-first with a very solid dropped-log "thunk".

Yoshimitsu poked the Executioner's still body with his sword. "Well, he looks dead. I can't think of a better time to turn my back and put my guard down."

Lion stomped on the Executioner's head a few times.

"That's what I like to see!"

"How're you doing, Yoshi?"

"Nothing my specially designed self-repair systems can't fix! The Yoshimitsu 98 unit comes equipped with automated systems capable of dealing with technical problems up to and including the unfortunate loss of an arm! Wow! WHAT A BOT!"

"You couldn't just have said 'Yes'?" Lion shook his head. "Never mind. Will they find the bug, you think?"

"The listening devices employed by the Yoshimitsu 98 are guaranteed detection-proof for up to five years or fifty thousand minutes, due to special--"

"Thank you. I'll be sure to buy one next time I'm in your node." Lion blew out air. "Let's get down to the ready room. I need to have this looked at." He poked at his chest. "I think I'm getting faint."

Behind him, the Executioner abruptly jumped to his feet, roaring with rage. Smoothly, Yoshimitsu stepped behind Lion and ran the Executioner through, two feet of the laser sword emerging from his thickly muscled back.

Yoshimitsu kicked him off the blade. "Not in my movie."

Lion swallowed hard. "Let's get the hell out of here."

The Ring

Hsien-Ko threw a sword at Chun Li, who jumped over it almost absently, and turned around with a bonsai tree in her free hand. This put her face right into Iori's Oni Yaki. The ghost was engulfed in purple flames and fell down, dropping the Soul Gem.

It promptly rolled next to Captain America. He barely noticed, because he had spent the last few moments pounding on Aardrus. When Aardrus had attacked him, Cap had a hard time making an impact through the zombie's suit of armor. For a few moments, all he could do was block Aardrus' heavy overhand blows with his shield.

So he waited for Aardrus to lift the mace above his head and went into the Final Justice.

The multiple kicks and punches still didn't do a hell of a lot. The piledriver at the end, however, knocked Aardrus silly. From there, it was just heavy lifting for Cap to throw him out of the ring.

Aardrus landed in Magic Sword, and made a threatening gesture towards one of the barbarian heroes. The priest following that hero around immediately dispelled Aardrus. An empty suit of armor crashed to the dungeon floor.

Cap looked down after throwing the zombie, and picked up the Soul Gem. He slipped it into his glove grimly; he had been in the ring for thirty minutes and had done nothing more constructive than dismantle the Infinity Gauntlet. Now two Gems were unaccounted for, which worried him. At least now he had two of them...

He caught a flash of light out of the corner of his eye, and hopped slightly as a Yami Barai hissed towards him. The fireball passed by to shatter against the forcefield. Iori ran towards Cap, hoping to catch him in the air.

It didn't work, of course. Cap air-blocked Iori's frenzied Hollyhock Flowers and came down with a Charging Star, which was likewise blocked and countered. Cap ducked underneath the answering roundhouse kick and backed up, coming in with a swing of his shield. The fight became a blur of dodging and blocking quickly, both fighters searching madly for gaps in the other's defense.

There were none.

Cap and Iori chased each other across the ring, other fighters almost instinctively melting out of their way. Cap was more skilled by a long shot, and had the shield (tm), but Iori had youth and mild insanity working for him. They fought with athleticism and style that was only tempered by the knowledge that Iori would, given an opening, maim or kill Captain America in a flat second. The audience was on its feet, either cheering or biting their nails.

Across the ring, Sie Kensou came to a snap decision. He didn't know who the guy in the loud outfit was, but he was in a fight with Iori. That more or less elected him the good guy. Sie started over there--any opportunity to kick Iori's ass was worth taking--but Lilith's hand on his shoulder interrupted him.

"This is for that sneak kick, meanie!" She tossed a top hat at him.

"A top hat. That's nice. What are you going to do, Oklahoma--"

The hat landed on Sie's head, and things began to get seriously weird.

Even years later, Sie would blush bright, flaming red and change the subject if someone mentioned his triumphant way-the-hell-off-Broadway debut. Lilith, changing magically into her carnival barker's outfit, put on a dance extravaganza at Sie's expense, with plenty of high kicking and skirt flaring, winding up this near-cinematic tour-de-force by exploding the stage and knocking Sie on his back.

Lilith turned to the cheering section of the crowd and bowed. "Thank you! Thank you! If you enjoyed this, I'd like to invite you all to attend my new one-demon show, "Succubus On The Run", playing Monday through Thursday at the Funny Bone in Atlanta--"

Sie, steaming at the ears, walked up behind her and kicked her out of the ring in mid-bow. Lilith went flying through the dimensional field ass first, and landed in Virtua Fighter Kids.

Li'l Akira turned to Li'l Lau. "Who's the new girl?"

"I don't know, but I'm not talking to her. Girls are icky."

"Tell it, brother."

Sie turned around to get blinded. Captain America was forced to play his ace, pulling the Mind Gem out of his glove and lifting it above his head. It flickered and vanished from his hand, and a swirling arc of light burst into existence around his body. Iori decided to exercise the better part of valor, and hurriedly backed away; he wasn't sure what that meant, but he knew it couldn't be good.

Across the ring, King clutched the Reality Gem in one hand and broke into a cold sweat. That was a third Gem gone and out of her reach.

Three Gems would be enough, she hoped, either to ransom Jan... or to avenge him.

Eliminated Seating, RumbleDome Hotel

Jacky Bryant came back into the seats with a six-pack, and found himself standing in a war zone. The seats were scattered all over hell's half-acre, and were burned or shattered besides. A few had escaped destruction, but those were once again occupied by Bob Wilson, who was well on his way to making the Eliminated seating smell like a Grateful Dead concert.

With a muttered obscenity, he turned around and walked towards the main lounge. It was much more comfortable--shag carpeting, overstuffed sofas, full medical staff on call, and all that--but it wasn't the same as actually being there, taking in the action.

He threw himself on a couch and opened one of the beers. The closed-circuit television in the corner was currently showing Ryu Hurricane Kicking the Silver Samurai in the back of the head.

Jacky snickered, despite himself, and cocked his feet up on the arm of the sofa. Settling in, he threw himself out of the couch with a cry of surprised pain as something dug into the small of his back.

Beer splashed all over his jacket. Swearing a second time, Jacky dug through the couch, trying to figure out what the hell had poked him. For a moment, he had the crazy random thought that it was a hand grenade, but, fortunately, it was just something that looked kind of like a marble.

"What is this?" Jacky muttered, holding the Power Gem up to the light.

BONUS MATCH RESULTS:
LION RAFALE (VF3) and YOSHIMITSU (T3) defeat SABERTOOTH (XM) and EXECUTIONER (M:tDA)
36 to 15, with 5 abstentions and DKO votes.

ALEX (SF3:2I) beats up on WOLFGANG KRAUSER (KOF96)
35 to 20, with 1 abstention.
(Wolfgang, apparently, can't escape.)

ELIMINATIONS: Ryu: 2. D!, Iori, Cap, King, Sie, Chun, Hsien-Ko, Samurai, Lilith: 1.

CURRENT ELIMINATIONS LEADERS: King 5, Captain America 4, Chun Li 4, Ryu 2, Hsien-Ko 2, Scorpion 2.

Just for grins:
CURRENT ELIMINATIONS LEADERS (LIFETIME, ALL UVRs): Haohmaru 35, Chun Li 17, Guy 17, Morrigan 12, King 11, Charlotte 11.

BEST BONUS MATCH SUGGESTION: "...Rancid vs. a giant slab of concrete. The concrete could fall outta the ceiling and flatten his head... I hate that guy."

DAMNEDEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD: "I said it before, I will say it again: He offed Gordo, SCORPION FOR CHAMPION!"

WHOOPS, BAD IDEA: Chun Li. Eliminating the Slayer O' Barney (tm) hurt her big time.

CONGRATULATIONS: To Mike and Donna, for finally getting married (and for inviting a bunch of Internet Yahoos (tm) to their wedding). Good luck!

Next Section a'comin '!

The Busy Scribe:
Thomas "Wanderer" Wilde

The Untalkative Editor:
Christopher "Birdman" Bird

Where the Hell is Security?:
Isaac "Mimic" Sher

The Duke of PERL:
Scott "Silverbolt" Archer
[http://www.slack.net/~arctic/rumble.html]